Chapter 19: “On the Road” — Part Two

“Apparently, nearly three days passed between the time I collapsed and the time I woke up.

Even after that, I was lying there with an IV in my arm, drifting in and out of sleep. And even when I was awake, I wasn’t sure whether I was really awake or dreaming. Everything felt vague.

Then, little by little, I began remembering the dreams I had seen during those three days when I was unconscious.

In fragments.

You know how sometimes you suddenly remember a dream you had at dawn when you get sleepy again during your lunch break?

Maybe your body falls into a feeling similar to that early-morning drowsiness, and for some reason the dream comes back to you...

Something like that.

I spent a long time in that half-awake, half-asleep state in the hospital.

And then...

I remembered it.

The dream.

Or... whatever it was.

If you don't believe what I'm about to tell you, Yam-san, that's fine.

But this isn't the kind of story I could have imagined and made up myself...

Sorry.

I know I'm going on and on.

It's just that...

Even now, I'm still not sure whether I should tell you.”

Mifune paused.

“Let me have a drink first.”

He picked up his glass.

“...Good.”

He smiled faintly.

“Sake really is good.”

...

“In the dream...

I think I had gone back in time.

Kana was there.

I never told you this, Yam-san, but I used to be married.

Kana was my wife.

We had been together since we were students. We got married after we started working.

Kana was a beautiful woman.

And I loved her.

I think she loved me, too.

Then one day...

I hit her.

Even now, I don't know why I did something like that.

Sometimes, when I think about what kind of person I really am, it scares me.

Maybe it was the alcohol.

That's an excuse, of course.

But maybe even now, there's still a part of me that wants to blame the alcohol.

Maybe that's the truth about me.

The fact that I still talk that way means I haven't really changed since then...”

Mifune lowered his eyes.

“Anyway...

After that, we gradually drifted apart.

At least, that's how it felt to me.

Sometimes, I thought Kana was afraid of me.

And whenever I felt that...

I think I became even more afraid of myself than she was.

To know that the person you love most in the world is afraid of you...

To know that she sees you as someone frightening...

It's almost the same as knowing you'll never be loved by her again.

Those were cold days.

Long days...

Eventually...

Kana left me.”

Five years had passed since then.

“In the dream, Kana was there.

And she seemed to have forgiven me.

Or maybe...

Maybe it was before everything happened.

Before we became the way we did.

I couldn't see myself in the dream, but somehow I knew.

I had gone back.

Kana was young again.

The Kana I used to know.

I said:

Kana, I'm sorry. It was my fault.

And she said:

What are you talking about? You didn't do anything wrong. If something happened, then I must have done something to make you angry.

No! That's not it! I did something terrible to you...

No. You're a kind person. Don't blame yourself...

Kana...

Thank you... But...

I think I was crying.

Then I noticed...

Kana was farther away.”

...

Kana, where are you going?

What's wrong? Come over here.

...How?

Kana, wait...

I'll wait. Come this way. You... come here.

“I tried desperately to reach her.

...Kana?

...

I'm sorry... Please forgive me...

...

And then...

I couldn't see her anymore.

I think I spent some time looking for her.

After that, I must have dreamed something else.

But I don't remember what it was.

While I was in the hospital...

I kept searching for fragments of that dream.

The dream where Kana was still there...”

...

Yamamoto was silent for a moment.

“...You still haven't forgotten her, have you?

Kana?”

“Yeah...

Maybe I haven't.”

“That must be hard.”

“...Actually, after I left the hospital, I went to her parents' house.”

“When?”

“Today.

This afternoon.”

“...I see.”

Yamamoto looked at him.

“You're more of a man of action than I thought.”

“It's been a long time since we got divorced.

And I'm too old to be some kind of innocent young romantic.”

“So?

What happened?

Did you see her?”

Mifune lowered his eyes.

“No.”

A pause.

“She had died.”

“...What?”

“A long time ago.

She got sick.”

Yamamoto said nothing.

“Maybe...

Maybe she was calling me.”

...

Mifune quietly emptied the rest of the sake in his glass.